During dinner I listened to the kids talk about their day. I have been trying my best to cook more and make dinner a time of no electronic devices. Anyone who knows me, knows that cooking has never been my strong point. Mark was always the cook. At least the kids don’t get that worried look on their face when I say I’m making dinner anymore. My skills have gotten much better. Thank you Jesus!
As I sat at the table, I looked across to the empty chair. All I could think of was, “It’s not fair.” It’s not fair that these three babies will grow up without their dad being around and sharing in the big and small moments of their life. It’s not fair that at every father/daughter or father/ son event they won’t have him there. For a second I got so mad again. Mad at God and the circumstances that took Mark from us. I had to dig deep to find that faith again. Faith that God has a plan of some sort. I remember when I would want to punch someone if they told me that. It has taken much soul searching to renew and regain that faith. Yet here I sit and wonder why… again.
I know there is no answer. Even if there was, I would still say it’s not fair because it’s not. I have had many wonderful moments happen in my career and life lately. There have been many times I wanted to pick up my phone and call Mark to tell him about them. I could but there would be no answer, no phone number in existence anymore. So I look to the skies and simply say, “Babe, I did it.” Still, it’s not fair.
Recently, I took pictures at a the same location Mark and I had taken pictures at about five years earlier. My friends at Masaki Photography are amazing! I was able to superimpose the images together. The way it worked out, it looks like Mark is holding my hand. For a moment I think that he really will. Then reality hits. Nope. Not in this lifetime. It is truly impossible and again… not fair. I could scream, “It’s not fair!” at the top of my lungs until I lose my voice and nothing would change. So instead of the negative, it’s the positive memories that snap me out of it.
Thinking back on everything that made life wonderful helps remind me that life is still amazing. Yes, it’ll always not be fair that Mark was taken way too soon, but he was here. That fact alone is a huge blessing. His legacy is left in three amazing children. His legacy lives on in everyone who smiles at the thought of him and was positively impacted by him in some way. More blessings. Before I knew it, I was thinking of blessing after blessing from this man that God brought into our lives. No, it really isn’t fair. Life isn’t fair but the life lived, I mean really LIVED by that man was amazing and beautiful. In that we are forever grateful. In that, we have the strength to go on each day living life and finding joys in the moments that make up the 86,400 seconds in a day.