Time

What do you see?

img_3394

I see time. Others may see a diamond watch. I read, “Some women want the diamond watch, others value the time.” So incredibly true and not just for women but for everyone. It’s truly about perspective. Maybe it’s maturity or it’s life experiences that make me value time more. To me, the diamonds represent the material things in life. Each of those have a value placed on them. Then there is time. Time is a truly priceless gift.

If you think back on memories, is it the material possessions that make you smile or is it the person linked to them? In my happiest of moments, they are all about the people, not the things. Why? People can invoke emotions that stay with us long after beauty and material things go away. The time people invest into our lives is time they never get back themselves. When we ourselves truly value others, we make time for them as well. We each have a set amount of time and can never get more of it. Each of us is given 24 hours in a day and who we choose to spend it with and what we choose to do with it says so much. So the time we give to and get from others is the greatest gift ever.

Looking back to some of those memories, there was nothing fancy involved. It was merely the company I was with. I have smiled more walking on the beach with friends or chilling at a park than I did when I actually got diamond earrings. Now that’s not to say that I wasn’t grateful, but even I will tell you I don’t remember the details of the earrings as much as I remember those walks. Lesson learned, time is the greatest treasure we have in this life. Time is guaranteed to no one. One more thought I read, ” Time decides who you meet in life, your heart decides who you want in your life, and your behavior decides who stays in your life.” More often than not, we always wish we had more time than more things. As our children grow, we wish for them to stay younger for just a little longer. When a loved one dies, we wish for even just one more day. We wish for more time with those dear to us so use your time wisely. Make memories with people that make you smile. Be with those that treasure your time as much as you do their’s and live a life with no regrets. The time we spend with others makes us richer than any diamonds ever could.

img_3395

Fairy Tales

Growing up I didn’t really believe in fairy tales. I remember watching Cinderella and thinking why is she crying locked up in that room? Why can’t she just scream and break down that door? How can he not know it’s her, what’s wrong with him? So romantic right? As you can tell, romance was never a huge part of my belief system. Then I met him, no not my Prince Charming who would instantly sweep me off my feet, but the friend who showed me that with time life really could have a happy ending. The friend turned love who made me his queen. Life was not always song, dance, and romance but there was a lot of laughter and love. Then in an instant it was gone.

I felt myself slipping away. Slipping away from wanting and believing that life has a fairy tale ending for me. Instead I decided to become the heroine of my own story. Tough, resilient, focused on work and my children. I needed to make sure they were taken care of. I lost myself somewhere in there. In that time I could feel myself allowing my heart to harden to life somewhat. The skepticism of truly believing that any type of happily ever after could exist was strong. Yes, was.

One day while hiking I realized that I didn’t want to keep staying so harsh to life and that I didn’t have to throw away the idea of a happily ever after, but that my fairy tale ending would just have a different type of ending. You see, the day I thought my story ended, it was just the start of another chapter. I get to decide what it will look like.

Getting ready to turn 40 is a whole other time that makes you realize what’s important and what you want. I do want my children to have their own fairy tale and find that love someday. For me, the real fairy tale comes in finding someone who is a great partner to go through life with. Someone who knows life isn’t about grand gestures that lack heart, but those little moments that make your heart beat a little faster and stronger than before. Someone who can make me laugh and enjoy walks on the beach or sitting on the couch, basically just being together. Someone whose smile and hug could fix any bad day, that is the real happily ever after. It’s taken me this new chapter to realize and appreciate what true happiness is and to not lose hope in finding it. The heroine in my story now fights for the fairy tale itself, because it does exist. It’s good to believe again, truly and faithfully.

Someone Somewhere

After a rough start to this week, with a tear rolling down my cheek, this was my thought on the way home…

There was that gut feeling for a moment that reminded me what a shattered heart felt like. Woah! As quickly as the feeling came, there came the feeling that many of us have experienced that pain. Part of this journey is finding that someone somewhere who feels the same and wants to work on mending those broken pieces together. Never lose faith, always have hope, and never give up trying. It only takes one.

Clarity

Spa day with some of my sisters. Ah… the zen life, at least for that moment in time. This year has been anything but zen. I have learned so much about myself in this time. Self doubts, insecurities, fears, dreams, desires, and strength have all surfaced from the depths of somewhere I didn’t even know existed. I’ve closed my heart to everyone, opened it up, closed it again and now have it in a guarded state. I’ve cried the ugly cry and laughed so hard that I’ve cried. I experienced the most devastating moment in my life and some of the most beautiful moments all within the course of this past year. No wonder my mind had gone a little hazy!

Well spa day helped change that. Talking with my sisters we said the theme for the day would be clarity. Clarity became my goal. From sweating in out in the jacuzzi, steam room, and sauna to shocking my body back into existence in the polar plunge pool. Then there was the amazing massage. All in that time my mind started organizing it’s thoughts. I’ve learned more about myself during that day.

Looking deep in my heart I’ve realized that much of my life is driven by giving my whole heart into everything and everyone that I allow into my world and leaving nothing behind. It can be exhausting and draining and risky but the rewards can also be great. I guess that’s why I’ve guarded my emotions and heart to anyone new. Once someone cracks into that world they get the fiercest and most loyal supporter and friend ever. There is no in between. It does take a lot for me to allow people into my life to truly be close to me. Hard to believe if you read this blog, right? It is true though, there is much I censor even though I do share enough to expose some of my most vulnerable times. Fear would still guide my actions.

What changed yesterday was the way I now choose to approach life. I was so afraid of everything that could wrong and would focus on that. I mean, why wouldn’t I? Life totally did not go at all like I planned. The problem with that is when you focus on anything negative that’s the energy you bring into your life. After those moments at the spa, it became clear that I need to focus on all that is going right in my life. I need to be willing to take chances to move forward. Paulo Coelho wrote, “The ship is safest when it’s in port, but that’s not what ships were built for.” The same can be said for life, or as my children would say… YOLO! You only live once for anyone hasn’t heard that before.

I sat in the steam room and realized how honored I am to be a woman at this point in my life who has gone through all the experiences I have lived through. Yes, lived through. I may have scars and fallen a few times but I’m still standing. My clarity was realizing my worth and what in life I am willing to accept and boundaries I’m willing to push to have a life filled with happiness again. Yup, this ship can’t stay in dock or I won’t be going anywhere. Those dreams are attainable even at this point in my life, even with a busy schedule of work and children.  Going back to school, pursuing career goals, romance, and adventures are all in the my future as long as I have the courage to get out there and try. Wait, until I do, there is no try. Yoda moment. Here’s to a life of doing and making it happen!

A Widow’s Prayer

To a future of uncertainty and paths that are unfolding,

My faith lies within you for I don’t know where I’m going.

I watch my children grow,

With an angel there to guide them.

To see who they become,

With love and grace inside them.

I know life is not about money,

Or material things in a day.

It’s about the little moments,

And what we feel and say.

It’s the smile on a face,

When a loved one comes to mind.

It’s the memories in the making,

And the impression left behind.

You see our heart’s our biggest muscle,

One that keeps us going strong.

One that needs a lot of protection,

Until the right one comes along.

I pray for new beginnings,

For a protector of my heart.

For the courage to start over,

For a life to be a part.

I pray that love will guide me,

With a hope that’s kept alive,

With possibilities of a future,

Full of happiness inside.

Nothingness

I likened life before to a game of “Chutes and Ladders” where some days you get small steps forward and other days that long chute down. All in all as long as you roll the dice and can move forward again you’re doing good. In the process of never knowing if it’s a ladder or chute that you’ll land on, you feel all sorts of emotions from happiness, fear, love, sadness, etc. Yesterday I experienced a new emotion, nothing.

I felt a void where there was neither happiness nor sadness. A place that felt so empty there were no tears to cry, nothing. A place where everything including time stood still, everything that is, except for my mind. There were so many thoughts running through my head that I couldn’t focus any one in particular. The common denominator was that no matter the thought, there was no emotion elicited.

I went to bed because it was that time on the clock. Not because I was tired, but because I knew I had to work the next day. Still nothing. I woke up this morning hoping for something, not sure what. Started getting ready for work and a song started playing. Local artist Fiji’s song “Yeah You” was the first song that shuffled out of my mix and something about that song made me look in the mirror. In that moment hope peaked its way out. I realized what a powerful emotion hope is!

Hope was able to tear down the walls of nothingness and see happiness and sadness again. Yes, both emotions. You see, in this journey I’ve learned that out of great sadness can come happiness and hope is the guide that leads us there. I’ve also learned that you can’t emotionally stay still because when you do that you risk going backwards. The nothingness of the past 24 hours was the still that risked that. A risk that doesn’t exist now. I still can’t tell you exactly what about that song made my mind wander over to hope, but I’m so glad it did. Today is another day to roll the dice and see what this game of “Chutes and Ladders” brings my way. At least now, all the emotions of playing are back.

The Question

The ups and downs of emotions in my snow globe are likened to shaking up my snow globe to have what was a clear vision now skewed with fuzzy white particles that are waiting to settle again. I write this today to let everyone going through something know those down moments are moments and you’re not alone. Today is that moment for me.

Life is so far from perfect. I’m so far from being that completely self assured woman I hope to become. Like I said before we all have weaknesses in our armor. Today is that day that makes me question me.

Am I enough? Am I enough to be the mom my children deserve? Am I enough to be a significant partner in someone else’s life? Am I enough to be the friend so many are to me? I know the answer should be yes. Everything says the answer is yes but today is just that day where the snow globe is waiting for the snow to settle again. It’s how we bounce out of it that counts. I’m learning how to get that “T-I-Double G-ER Tiggerific bounce” on.