Greatest Fear

Fears can be overcome. When Mark died there were so many fears that came into view. Slowly one by one I conquered and continue to conquer them. Fear of making sure I do right by the children and making sure they are taken care of, check. Fear of taking control of the entire household and the finances, check. Fear of reliving that day and being stuck in the past, check. Well mainly check on that last one. I’m not stuck in the past but that day still replays in my head at times, at least not with anxiety anymore. These fears I feel I could overcome because I was in control of them and I made the decisions. There is one fear I have left… the fear of never finding love again.

Yes, I said it and it is by far my greatest fear. I know Mark and I shared a love story that many had said was their “#couplesgoal” and I do feel blessed for that. We didn’t always have a fairy tale but we did have something pretty damn close. We went through our very rough times like every couple does. At the core was friendship, love, and mutual admiration we had for each other. We were truly perfectly imperfect for each other. Now at 39 years old, that person is gone. Could it be that I will never find that again? I hope not.

No one will ever be Mark and nor would I want them to be. Like I said we weren’t perfect and no one is. Love isn’t something you feel only for perfect things or perfect people. It is something that grows with time for someone you can be yourself around, someone who cares for you and can’t imagine a life without you in it, someone who shares with you those parts of them that aren’t so perfect and you still remain by their side. Someone that is your last thought at night and your first thought in the morning.

Then there is the whole thing about being a widow. What time frame is needed to grieve? There is no right or wrong answer for that. It is different for everyone, e-v-e-r-y-o-n-e. I feel you know when all the other pieces of your life have fallen into place and that is the last outstanding piece left. Some people choose to keep it blank and that’s okay. I thought I would be that person but realized sharing a life with someone and the companionship is a part of human nature. It is what I would’ve wanted for Mark and it is what he actually came into a dream to tell me. I admit I was taken back a little when I woke up after that dream but he must’ve known. I looked over on my king size bed and realized what a huge void was left. It was sort of a symbolic moment of having overcome so much and conquering my other fears except facing this particular one.

Will I ever feel those butterflies again or that feeling of my heart skipping a beat like I did every time he walked into the room? I pray so, that would be a blessing. Do I fear it may never happen? Yes. Do I fear having a broken heart? Of course but that is a part of the process too. Unlike the other fears I’ve been able to conquer, this is one that is out of my control. Let me tell you how much I can’t stand not being in control, especially with an aspect of life. Through this grief process, though, I have learned that we can’t control all things in life and I have had to learn to deal and be somewhat okay with that. When I started today’s entry with fears can be overcome, I admit the jury is still out on this one. This is one that is up to time and whatever high powers that be. This is one that I hope to one day overcome but until then, it is my greatest fear.

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