A scar by definition is a mark remaining after injured tissue has healed; a mark left where something was previously attached; a mark resulting from damage or wear. No doubt when you lose someone you love so suddenly it leaves a scar. I can finally write this post because like the first part of the definition, it feels like my injured tissue is healing.
I remember the first day I got called to the emergency room because Mark was being wheeled into the cardiac cath lab where he ended up getting stents placed. I sat in the waiting room looking at two very lonely elevators thinking how different our life was about to become and yet not knowing how incredibly different life would be in just a week from that day. I remember the doctor telling me my husband had suffered a heart attack and there was damage done but he was able to get the stents in. Thank God!
One week. We barely had one week to get through the reality of what had happened before God had other plans. The days after Mark passed away I remember not wanting to go anywhere, eat anything, and feeling so numb to the world. I remember asking God why he didn’t take me instead and why he couldn’t just take me now because I couldn’t imagine my life without Mark. I would lay in bed and imagine what heaven was like and wish so very hard to be there with him. Don’t get me wrong, I wasn’t suicidal or anything, I just didn’t understand why.
The weeks and months ahead were full or emotional ups and downs and inside outs. What always pulled me out of the lowest of moments was knowing I have three beautiful children I needed to take care of and a life that wasn’t over. For some reason, I was still here. For some reason, my story wasn’t over. I always ask Mark for some sort of guidance and about a month ago I heard him.
He was always the type of person to encourage others and never let anything get the best of him. So it was no surprise when a voice told me, “Babe, it’s time to get moving! Life is being lived and you need to live it. I am always here but you need to pick up the pieces and build your life again, move forward.” Wow, so bossy! Exactly what I needed to hear though.
I knew at the start of the year that a new year is always filled with new beginnings and fresh starts. Was I ready? I thought so. Mark validated that I was. The scars created from the loss were deep and how was I supposed to move on feeling like I was damaged?
I realized life happens. We all come with scars of some sort. It’s finding people who can love and accept you not only for what is good but for the scars you carry and what they represent. So with a big breath, I get dressed everyday and face the world to live and love, scars and all.