Now I’m Sure You Know

Grief is definitely a roller coaster. On those days when I’m happy it feels like the roller coaster car cautiously reaching the top of the tracks. It slows down as if it knows the drop is about to happen. The past 3 nights have been the drop. The tears haven’t stopped and I can’t even tell you what triggered them.

I get through work with a smile on my face and connect with others until my day is over. Then it’s back to my car that now feels more like my traveling snow globe. Today the tears slowly started as I walked out the elevator and got to my car. A migraine was my alarm clock today. I got through the day with my headache as my constant companion. By the time my work day was over, I was completely exhausted. As much I wanted to crawl into my bed and wait for tomorrow, my mommy duties wouldn’t do the same. So with a deep breath, lots of AC, some Excedrin, and a great concealer for my under eyes, I was back on my way. Picked up my girls and we were off to ballet for the youngest.

We got home and my oldest two children were amazing and helped get dinner ready knowing I wasn’t feeling well. As I dozed off for a nap I could feel Mark there. It was as if he knew. He knew how much I needed him. Even in life he knew how much I’d need him but I always wondered if he knew how much I truly loved him. The beauty of our relationship was that it started with friendship. The love grew from there. I’d tell him, “I love you.” He’d turn to me with his huge smile and say, “I know,” and start to laugh. Tonight I know he knows how much love there is. 

As I woke up from my nap, I checked my phone and found the quote, “Meeting you was fate, becoming your friend was a choice, falling in love with you was beyond my control!” All I could think of was yes, yes, and YES! He knows. From wherever he is now, now I’m sure he truly knows how much I loved him. I always will. With that reassurance I found the strength to wipe the tears away and make it through another day. 

2 thoughts on “Now I’m Sure You Know

  1. Sarah, I think about you often. My heart aches for you. Whenever I hear the song ‘Somewhere Over the Rainbow’, it brings tears to my eyes because I know it’s Mark singing to you with his great big smile. We talk about Coach Mark all the time and whenever I hear a parent say “good d” at a game, I feel like we are back in Hawaii on the soccer field with Mark yelling down the field.
    ~Kristin (go bulls)

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    1. Aloha! I still think I see him and hear him at the field every so often too. He is definitely watching over us and I pray guiding me in trying to raise the three kids. Whenever I start to feel really down, I have to stop and realize that we were so incredibly blessed to have had him in our life. There are so many who have come up to me and said they wish they knew him in person, we are the fortunate ones who did. I know he loved his soccer team so much and always got excited to hear of their successes after he stopped coaching. We miss you and love you guys!

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