It’s been a while since my heart has wanted to write. Life has been happening. The children are all going through growth both physically and emotionally. This morning I sit here in a quiet living room and reflect over the past few months and thank God for the growth that has been helping to transform my life.
With every success there have been failures that became lessons, heartbreak, and building that muscle of resilience. I still don’t know how to answer when people say, “I don’t know how you do it.” Truly, I don’t know either but I know I wasn’t given the choice. Life has to go on or I would’ve died that same morning Mark did. There were days I wished I had trust me.
Something happens one day, usually in those moments of silence, when you realize the deluge of tears has stopped. It just did. Why? The grief is still very much there, but less intense and not as frequent. Why did the daily loneliness, sadness and tears take a detour?
Life. Refocusing on life. It is true. You start to attract what you believe, what you become and what you feel. I wanted so much to be happy again and to feel what it was like to really laugh and smile and that feeling of being in love again. I started finding joy in the little moments that make up a day and then they became bigger moments. It became contagious!
I felt strong so I started dating… remember the whole “It’s been 18 years” entry? As anyone in the dating pool can say, it ain’t easy! Yes, I had my heart broken and I also learned so much about myself in the process. I learned I really had to figure out what was important both to me and the children. I wasn’t the same person I was in my 20s. To say the least, my priorities were very different too. The biggest difference, my outlook on life.
No one knows any better than a widow how life can turn. I went to bed one night as someone’s wife and woke up the next morning a widow. As a healthcare professional I’ve seen life change in the blink of an eye but no one can really understand it until you go through it yourself. I pray you never have to. Yet, here I am, having lived it. Wait, still living it. So now what?
Now there is a woman who truly lives life. Who finds the joy in a bear hug. Can tell so much by someone’s eyes. Knows the true value of life is in the time we share with others. Life is short and if everyone is taken care of, the rules are thrown out the window to find happiness. When you find it, you appreciate it, share it, and thank God everyday for giving you a second chance at love. I thought I’d never love again. Let alone someone who has the same priorities and accepts my life and the people in it completely. It’s true, it’s like loving your children. One isn’t replaced when another comes but rather your heart expands to fit more. Mark will always be in my heart, and the happiness and love now found fills the cracks that have been caused and have expanded it more. Is the love guaranteed to last forever? Nothing in life is, but at some point you just have to let go at what you thought should happen, that choice was taken away. You start living in what is happening now, that’s all we are promised.
To see happiness and hear belly laughs again, pure magic. To know I’m surviving whatever life has thrown at me, thankful. To have earned the ability to unapologetically live life, priceless.